Shifting Your Viewpoint (for Teens): Part 1 – Help, I’m ‘Stuck’!

You can choose to be any of the many characters that are present in your life; it’s up to you. You can act like a person who is strong, weak, courageous, silly, serious, outgoing, shy, kind or mean. You can change how you act or view the world; it’s the key to developing flexible strength. This is the ability to persist in your journey, towards what matters to you, even when you encounter problems or unhelpful people. With flexible strength, you are ready to handle the challenges that life can throw at you (and we know that it can bring lots of different challenges to each of us).

Flexible strength helps you to see the world from different viewpoints, and switch from one viewpoint to another depending on the situation.

Help – I’m ‘Stuck’!

You know that you’re stuck if you keep doing the same thing and keep getting the same (undesired) results.  If you are repeatedly doing the same thing and it doesn’t solve your problem, or even makes it worse, then you are stuck.

Here’s a couple of examples that may resonate with you:

• You might want to make friends, but worry about being judged by others. You might think ‘what if they don’t like me?’, ‘what if they think I’m stupid?’. To cope with this anxiety, you stay in the library with your books to work by yourself. You feel safe, but the next day feel even more worried about what others might think of you, so you go to the library again. You don’t try something different, and continue to avoid feeling uncomfortable, or risk being judged by being around others. This would lead you to feel increased anxiety, in addition to feelings of loneliness over time.

• You want to do well in your Science class, but Science makes you anxious. Perhaps you would like to be a vet, a doctor, or a chemist when you’re older. You worry about not achieving your desired grades or failing your exams next year, and so procrastinate or avoid studying. This helps you to not feel anxious today, but what about tomorrow? You feel even more anxious because you haven’t studied, and you don’t pass the Science test. This confirms your belief that you are failing Science, and increases anxiety when you consider attending a lesson or studying. You might continue to avoid Science, even if it is a subject that you are passionate about.

Getting stuck is normal. It’s part of being human and we all get stuck at times. This doesn’t mean that there is something wrong with you – perhaps you just need a bit of help to try something different and become the best version of yourself that you can be.

Getting stuck means that we have a problem to solve, and that the way we are trying to fix it isn’t working for us. It’s usually very tricky to notice when this is happening to us. Are any of these familiar to you?

• You use a lot of time and energy to try to appear ‘perfect’, but you feel imperfect anyway despite this effort

• You wait to do things until you feel ‘confident enough’, but you never feel confident enough so don’t try new things

• You fight with people because you want respect, but people lose respect for you because you argue with or hurt others

• You use alcohol or drugs to escape from bad feelings, but your bad feelings get worse when they wear off

I’m a Teenager – I Have Different Problems to Adults! What Does it Mean When a Teenager Gets Stuck?

Young people face a unique set of challenges that are ever evolving and may be different to those that parents or grandparents experienced. Some may be similar to those that adults experienced when they were younger (or even now). Here is a list of common challenges that many young people experience at some point, which may cause them to become stuck:

• Inner concerns: Feeling conflicted about what to do, or regret over past decisions

• Physical appearance: Concerns that your body is not good enough

• Time pressure: Having too many things to do, too much responsibility, or not enough time for fun

• School/college/work: Being dissatisfied with school or college, unhappy at your work, or hassled by teachers or bosses

• Family: Conflict or struggles with family members

• The Future: Thinking a lot about what will happen and fearing bad things

• Relationships: Difficulties with friends or romantic relationships

So, the question is: If we all get stuck at times, how do we get unstuck? How do we grow and change?

What Matters to You?

Let’s find the value behind your challenges. We usually get stuck and struggle when something is important to us.

Here’s some suggestions of what you might find to be important in your life: being strong, assertive, kind, honourable, caring, fun, supportive, friendly, agreeable, bold, persistent, trying again, giving, being active, enjoying the moment. We call these our ‘values’. Everybody has values, and they are different for each of us. Which values do you want your actions to demonstrate?

Now that you have a sense of how you’d like to act in the world, and what matters to you, you’re ready to explore your challenge through three different viewpoints: your Advisor, Noticer, and Discoverer.

Stay tuned for ‘Part 2’ of this blog to meet your ‘Advisor’!

Credit: Valentin Antonucci, via Pexels.

References:

Cirarrochi, J. V., & Hayes, L. L. (2020). Your Life Your Way: Acceptance & Commitment Therapy Skills to Help Teens Manage Emotions & Build Resilience. New Harbinger Publications.